"No"

But Doing It Anyway

I’ve already made it longer than I ever thought I would. My late Mom died at forty-seven. Her young death hung a long shadow over my life, yet here I am with time I never imagined I’d have.

I’ve lived many professional lives: actor, bookseller, teacher, psychotherapist, TV writer, producer, and published author. Perhaps, a manifestation of a restless subconscious: wondering how much time I have left and wanting to grab at life.

Recently, I returned to my acting roots by co-narrating my latest thriller, THE UNDERDOG, under a new performing name, Marianna Black. To this day, I remain a proud, card-carrying union member of the Screen Actors Guild.

I was nervous about narrating it, wondering if I still had it—it being the acting instrument. Turned out I enjoyed using a creative side I hadn’t used in years. Picture below of me rehearsing.

Ten months before THE UNDERDOG’s release, its prequel BROKEN THREADS was published. A story about a technical writer who loses her job to AI and hires a young influencer to promote her unpublished novel when things take a deadly turn. This 39-page novella was a bestseller out of the gate.

At the time, I spoke to my literary agent about pitching it to publishers as a full-length novel. She explained why a novella that’s already been released is a difficult sell as a book. I also tried selling it as an option for TV and film, and was told that, because it was already out there (not top-secret), that would also be a tough sell.

Yet here I am 1.5 years later, and it’s the one story I’ve written that I can’t shake. Which is probably why I’ve struggled to write lately. I’ve started three different projects and get stuck each time, only to return to this novella. I can’t move past it.

This week, I had lunch with two whip-smart writer friends, who, like all writers, have had their shares of “nos” during their careers and not given up.

“What do I do?” I asked them. Do I somehow try mounting it as a one-woman show? Turn it into a vertical? “Vertical,” they both told me.

The following day, I spoke with another friend, a talented playwright and TV and film writer, and asked him the same question. “Vertical,” he said.

Then, Issa Rae’s new vertical series, SCREEN TIME, appeared on my feed. It felt like a sign.

Turning my novella into a vertical will involve me acting again. Like, really acting. Way beyond using my voice for an audiobook narration. I’m not young and shiny anymore.

Can I pull this off?

I thought about my Mom. What would she have done with this precious time I’ve been given? What would she have told me to do? The answer came at once.

Swing for the fences.